A super short story
The Egg by Andy Weir
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg,” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
A woman named Indiana
In 1834, a woman (Amantine Lucile Aurore Dupin) disguised as a man (George Sand) wrote a novel about a woman living in France, whose name was Indiana. You can't make this stuff up.
Kew Gardens
Inside the Palm House, Ellen McHale © RBG Kew
Inside the Bee Hive
Outside the Bee Hive
The bridge over the lake, golden hour.
A few good podcasts
Rewire your brain. Dr Tara Swart on DOAC.
Beliefs are just thoughts we keep thinking - and we can change our thoughts.
Creating a life you like. Abbie Schiller on Goop.
Learn to manage your thoughts and feelings. We can’t control what pops into our head, but we can control rumination.
Stop chasing balance and start chasing purpose. Molly Fletcher on the Rachel Hollis Podcast.
You should have three mentors - and one of them should be you.
What if you were made for a time such as this?
Gertrude Vanderbilt Whitney, Robert Henri, 1916
February, one line a day
asemic writing
1 - It’s finally not January. Found a new yoga studio that doesn’t suck.
2 - I tortured myself all day, and then published a substack that maybe 10 people will read. Not enjoying this.
3 - Boring day.
4 - Boring day. approaching sad.
5. Boring day. Sad.
6. Went to The London Library for a literary event celebrating the legacy of Carmen Callil and Rachel Cooke, the author of The Virago Book of Friendship.
7. Went to a workshop called Shadow Work for Creatives in the basement of the Atlantis Bookshop, the oldest occult bookshop in London. My tarot spread was ‘juicy’ but I still haven’t figured out what that means.
8 - Woke up with a terrible headache. Went to yoga because I thought it would help. Instead, I paid £18 to sit in child’s pose for 55 minutes. Slept the rest of the day.
9 - Saw The Brutalist with B. Still no sunshine. And also, it’s still February.
10 - S was home on study leave so took her to Megans for brunch. Spent the rest of the day doing all the things on my list. By 7pm, I had run out of things to do. Very nearly opened a bottle of wine and turned on the TV. Instead, took the dog for a walk in the rain. I walked 17K steps and regretted most of them.
11 - Made good healthy choices all day to no avail. M says everyone is struggling this winter. She said there is heaviness in the air. We haven’t seen more than 5 minutes of sunshine since October. Politics and war and the stress of trying to make meaning out of your life when the world around you is indifferent. It doesn’t matter. What matters? Does anything matter?
12 - Finally a good day. Met a friend for dinner who is a no bullshit kind of friend. Talked real and true.
13 - Went to The London Library for an Emerging Writers Event. Wasn’t in the mood to go, but glad I did! Heard some fantastic readings and got inspired to maybe someday write again. Maybe.
14 - Valentines Day. I did yoga and ate a protein bar and drank a glass of wine while watching the worst romcom ever produced for television. Later, I walked to Bailey and Sage to get some things for dinner: fresh pasta and sauce, some risotto, a baguette, a few cheeses, and a bottle of merlot. We ate around the kitchen counter because the kids were working on a puzzle in the dining room. Later the foxes were screeching for each other and Míša was distressed.
15 - What is happening when you are bored: Your family is safe and healthy. You are not in financial crisis or in a mental health crisis. You are just bored.
16 - Started planning our trip to India! I think we’ll do 4-5 days in Karala (wedding) before heading north to Dehli, Agra and Jaipur. I have to go shopping for Indian wedding clothes!
17 - Travelling tomorrow, so today was errands, etc. Went to The London Library but found it impossible to be productive, so browsed the back stacks instead.
18 - Flight from Heathrow to Marrakech, Morocco. We got lucky with passport control and were in a taxi within 90 minutes of landing. The hotel is nice - a few heated pools, several restaurants, a nice spa, etc. When we arrived they served us Sweet Mint Tea and I forgot how delicious and refreshing it was! Ate a late dinner at the French restaurant on site and went straight to bed.
19 - Took a long walk through the medina and markets. What a chaotic jumble of streets, each stall overflowing with goods for sale. Sensory overload! Later, B and I got a hammam scrub at the spa which B thought was a bit too harsh and I though was way to soft. Breakfast and Lunch at the hotel. Dinner - we walked to a place called La Maison de Arab which was just okay, but a nice atmosphere and live music.
20 - Proper vacation day. Spent the whole day reading and napping beside the pool. The most exciting part of the day was the death-defying tuktuk ride to/from the evening restaurant.
21 - Another long day at the pool. B and I did a little sight-seeing and shopping. After dinner (Indian, at the hotel), we all three went to the night market at Jemaa el-Finaa - music, dancing and drumming, plus vendors selling everything you could possibly imagine and then some. Snake charmers and monkey trainers too.
22 - Travel day back to London. Left the sunshine for grey skies and drizzle. Our bags did not make it and we must return to the airport tomorrow to collect them.
23 - Got bags. Did laundry.
24 - Back to rainy, grey life in London. Cheered myself up with a little retail therapy: got some leggings, 2 new sports bras and 2 new tank tops. I’ve been training 2 times per week for several months now and this is my reward!
25 - I think I’ll curate a recipe collection and have it printed. Should be a quick and easy project.
26 - Took a free one-hour class online about cookbook publishing. It was worth every penny. Why do I look elsewhere for what I already know?
27 - Went to a literary event at The London Library called Murder in the Library: The Golden Age of Crime Fiction. Super fun! Think: readers who love Murder She Wrote.
28 - Surprise visit from BL - we had drinks at home and then went out to dinner at the Chiswick Fire Station. Even S came! Lots of laughs and a few too many cocktails.
Creative Ideas Worth Sharing: February
1. Did you know that an Apollo rocket is actually on course only 2-3 percent of the time? That means at least 97% of the time it takes to get from the earth to the moon, it's off course. The astronauts know this, accept this fact as part of the process and are constantly course correcting.
In other words, your work doesn’t need to be in perfect alignment every single day. Just keep trying and keep adjusting.
2. Publish at 70% (Oliver Burkman)
3. There are two sides to creative productivity: proactive and receptive. We focus a lot on the former and not enough on the latter. When we aren’t creating enough, we tell ourselves to go out and fill the well. Consume more creativity, so we can create more creativity. But I think the key to overcoming / avoiding burn out might instead be to make enough quiet space to receive ideas.
The last time I was feeling super inspired and in creative flow was a few summers ago, when I spent literal hours everyday floating on my back in the pool.
I wasn’t “filling the well” with countless books and experiences. I was just … floating on my back and staring at the sky.
So the question is: how do I get out of GO MODE and into FLOAT MODE? Particularly when I’m living in London and I haven’t see the sun for weeks on end?
(Podcast: Helping Writers Become Authors)
4. Instructions for living a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it. - Mary Oliver.
5. “Anyway, that is a thing art does for us: allows us to fix our emotions on events at the moment they occur, it permit a union of heart and mind and tongue and tear. Whereas in life, from moment to moment, one can’t tell an onion from a piece of dry toast.” - The Women’s Room, Marilyn French
Believing in beauty.
‘I believe them all, and none,’ he said. ‘I am more than one thing, you see. I am a Hindu; I make offerings at this temple for Radharani. I am also a scholar at the college, discovering another story about the Universe that does not include Shiva and Rama. Which is true? I cannot choose one - how can I, when there are so many? All the stories are true, or none. I find more beauty if they are all true.’
Spirited by Julie Cohen
The Paris Novel by the delicious Ruth Reichl
The Paris Novel by Ruth Reichl ~~ Self‑Portrait, c. 1876. Victorine Meurent (b. 1844). At the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston.
The Paris Novel follows the story of a young woman named Anna who moves to Paris to uncover the story of her mother's past - and ends up solving the mystery of a long-forgotten French painter, Victorine Meurent. It’s a super fun read and made me so happy!
Half of the book is set inside Shakespeare and Company and the other half of the book she’s traipsing around Paris eating, drinking and solving a mystery. What else is there?
Flâneuse, another
Défense d'afficher, Paris, 1937 by Marianne Breslauer
Défense d’afficher. Do not advertise. And yet, there she is, Elle s’affiche. She shows herself. She shows up against the city. - Lauren Elkin
Your backdrop matters
Drawing my Days, by Jane Heinrichs
“Because when suffering is unavoidable, the only thing one gets to choose is the backdrop. Crying one’s eyes out beside the Seine is vastly better than crying one’s eyes out while traipsing around Hammersmith.”
― Meg Mason, Sorrow and Bliss
Photo via library of congress, a strip mall in Plainfield, Indiana
On strip malls:
Don’t we deserve better? Humans don’t just thrive no matter where you put them. Environment matters. Environment is determinative, constitutive; it makes you who you are, it makes you do what you do. My father’s best architecture teacher, Louis Kahn, used to tell his students to think like the beams, feel like the beams, what’s pushing you in, what’s pulling you down, and that’s how you think through a building.
- Lauren Elkin, Flâneuse
Leaving isn’t the hardest thing.
“Fact is, there are more than two doors, forgiveness or Kathy Bates. The third door is, you don’t have to forgive at all. You can just go right on living your life with one less asshole to deal with.” - Lauren Hough
Suzanne Valadon: A Creative Life
Suzanne Valadon and her son, Maurice
“A circus performer, single teenage mother, and art model turned painter, Valadon blazed a unique path through the Belle Epoque, and created a body of work as vivid and honest as her life.” - Messy Nessy, read more here.
On Shadow Work
The Swan, Hilma af Klint
Uses of Sorrow
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.
- Mary Oliver
Rules for being human
Handed down from ancient Sanskrit:
You will receive a body.
You will learn lessons.
There are no mistakes, only lessons.
A lesson will be repeated until it is learned.
Learning lessons does not end.
‘There’ is no better than ‘here’.
Others are merely mirrors of you.
What you make of your life is up to you.
Life is exactly what you think it is.
Your answers lie inside you.
You will forget all of this.
You can remember it whenever you want.
